Random Mag: Laurent Robert – The chaos merchant with a wand of a left foot
There’s always been something intoxicating about a footballer who plays like he’s got somewhere better to be. Laurent Robert was that kind of player, fast, furious, and only ever seconds away from unleashing carnage.
When Newcastle United signed him from PSG in 2001, we were buying a highlights reel in human form. A mercurial winger with a thunderous left foot and a short fuse, Robert felt like a signing you’d make on Championship Manager just to cause problems. And cause problems he did, for defenders, goalkeepers, managers… and sometimes even his own teammates.
But for fans, especially during the Sir Bobby Robson era, Robert was electric.
The chaos package
Robert didn’t just hit the ball hard. He hit it with intent. His left foot wasn’t a wand, it was a rocket launcher. Whether it was a 40-yard free-kick, a long-range volley, or a goal-line clearance smashed into orbit, you never quite knew what he was going to do next. That unpredictability made him both exhilarating and exasperating in equal measure.
Defensively, he often left his full-back isolated. Tactically, he could drift in and out of games. But give him a sniff of goal from anywhere within 35 yards and the whole stadium would rise. He brought a raw, uncoached kind of danger, the type that made you feel something. In a team that featured Alan Shearer’s metronomic precision, Robert was the explosion in the background.
Those goals
You don’t talk about Laurent Robert without talking about the goals. The man didn’t just score, he produced moments.
That 40-yard free-kick against Southampton that swerved like a boomerang.
The outside-of-the-foot flick that dipped in off the bar against Derby.
The ridiculous top-corner volley against Spurs — and then another screamer in the same game.
A rare right-footed drive into the bottom corner to beat Arsenal in the FA Cup.
There was also that bicycle kick against Fulham, awkward, balletic, and so typically Robert in that it made absolutely no sense and was absolutely perfect.
His favourite victims
And then there were the goals against Liverpool, goals that somehow felt more deliberate. Robert seemed to save his most outrageous efforts for them, and the variety was absurd.
One was a 30-yard free-kick hit like a cruise missile that left Chris Kirkland frozen.
Another, against Scott Carson, was a swerving, dipping monstrosity that looked like it had been coded in a video game.
And in the FA Cup, he whipped one over the wall and into the top corner past Jerzy Dudek, a strike so pure it left even the keeper admiring it.
Three goals, three different matches, all leaving Liverpool fans shell-shocked. Not bad for a “luxury player”.
The fallout
It wasn’t always smooth. He clashed with Graeme Souness. He was accused of laziness. There were rumours of bust-ups, sulking, and a general unwillingness to fit into a system. But you knew all of that when you bought the ticket. Robert wasn’t there to be a cog in the machine. He was there to light fuses.
By 2006, he was gone. A wander through Portsmouth, Benfica, and Derby followed, but nothing came close to his time on Tyneside.
The legacy
Robert left behind a reel of some of the most jaw-dropping goals ever seen at St James’ Park. He was never the team’s leader, never its beating heart, but he was its firework display. If Shearer was the spine, Robert was the serotonin.
Newcastle has a proud tradition of enigmatic French left wingers. David Ginola had the hair, the glamour, the touch of magic. Hatem Ben Arfa had the feet, the arrogance, and the chaos. Allan Saint-Maximin had the flair, the dribbling, and the Gucci headband. But none of them, none struck fear like Laurent Robert.
He wasn’t the most graceful, or the most consistent. But in terms of sheer unpredictability, spectacle, and end product, Robert was the most devastating of the lot. A one-man highlights reel who, for a few glorious seasons, made us believe that every free-kick might go in, and every game might go mad.
